Well, it happened the phone call came my Bmom was dying. My Aparents called me Sunday April 11th 1999 to say that one of my Baunts had left two messages on their answering machine. When I called her back she told me that Bmom had been drug free for a year and was doing really well. She then was diagnosed with breast cancer (more medical history info). She went through chemotherapy and surgery and was doing somewhat better and the cancer seemed to be subsiding. She then came down with a serious case of pneumonia and was hospitalized then put into a nursing home. While in the nursing home she got pneumonia again and also got a staff infection. She had a mild heart attack was taken to the Hospital and was put on a respirator.
My Baunt went to the hospital the next day to talk to the doctors about removing my Bmom from life support. She asked me what I wanted her to do. She wanted my opinion and my wishes for my Bmom. I told her I wanted my Bmom to have peace and to let her body decide on its own and to let her go. What surprised me the most was my reaction. I was having the same reaction as I would if it were my Amom. I was in shock and I couldn't stop crying. There was no more hope that one day we would have a relationship or that she would get better. She was going to die and once again I felt helpless not being able to do anything about it. I no longer even had hope. I was not doing well but, my Afamily was very supportive as always when I need them.
I was going to Portland on Tuesday . My Bmom's life support was definitely being disconnected. The Doctor said that she could live hours, days or maybe even a few weeks but, it would take a big miracle for her to live. If she did somehow survive she would not regain function of her limbs and could end up in a vegetative state. I did not want that for her I wanted her to have dignity and peace. I was going to Portland to say goodbye and if that miracle happened nothing was lost.
I decided that I would take the train and stay with my brother near Portland so I wouldn't be alone. Robin a Bmom I met in the previous Saturdays adoption chat and that I had only known for a day, lived in Oregon and offered to pick me up from the train take me to the Hospital, then also take me to my brothers and back to the train the next day. I couldn't believe her kindness and I was so glad she was going to be there because as a Bmom she would understand.
My Bmom died April 13, 1999 the very day I went to Portland to say goodbye. She died while holding my hand and it was so hard. I was not alone Robin was there every step of the way. She was absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful she was there.
I got to the hospital around 3pm and no one from my Bfamily was there. The Doctor ushered me into a private room and told me they had just finished removing the life support from my Bmom but, she was still hanging in there. He did not give her any hope and told me she would most likely not survive the night. We then went in to see my Bmom and she was already struggling for breath. I put my hand in hers told her I was there and she squeezed my hand. She knew it was me! I was so glad that even for a moment she knew I was there. It was the last time she would respond to anyone. I told her I loved her and we had a private whisper chat and I told her everything I needed to say.
A little while later I realized I needed something to eat because after not eating all day I was getting woozy. My Bmom's breathing was really labored so, I called in the nurse and asked her to reposition my Bmom so she could breath easier. I told her we would be getting something to eat and be back soon. While in the cafeteria I called my Baunt to see why no one was there she told me that she didn't think she could make it today it was just too hard. I asked if anyone was coming and she said my Buncle might stop by after dinner and maybe she would come with them.
Robin and I ate our meal and went outside for some air. We then went back to the ICU. When we got to the floor the nurse said it was getting close and to come back in. We gowned up and went in and my Bmom was breathing hard. Her heart rate was slowing down and I took her hand, told her I loved her so much and to go be with Shelly(my Bsis). Almost the moment that my hand touched hers she became calm. No more labored breaths just peace. Within five minutes she was gone.
The nurse told me that my Bmom had waited for me and I believe that she did. It was then that I realized that when I came into this world she was there with me and when she went out I was there with her. I called my Baunt and told her she was gone and that I was with her when she went. My Baunt said she thought she would have hung on longer but, was glad I was there. After the Doctors examination they gave me some time alone and I completely lost it. Robin just held me while I cried and it was good to not be alone. I called my Amom from the room and told her that my Bmom had just passed. I needed her so badly right then and she was there. For the last time I had my two moms together one on the phone the other holding my hand. It is a moment I shall never forget.
Severed apart not once, but twice, in the cruelest of fate. Separation has come full circle; time gifts only good-byes. Wails of a newborns distress spill from my mind down my cheeks. Lost then found a second time, just to be lost again.
Severed apart not once but twice, my heart weeps hurts unhealed. This time it's I that give you up, helpless as your spirit leaves. Is it too much to want you nearby? To hear your assurances of love? Lost then found a second time, lonely without you again.
Severed apart not once but twice, except down deep inside. Bonded are we as mother and child where even death cant touch. Touch me close in spirit, pull me close to your breast. Lost then found a second time, nr apart again.
By: Tammy - 4-13-99
I received such love and support from so many on line individuals and I cherish them all. I have kept every email response I received with love and sympathy. My Afamily has been so wonderful too, my Aparents have been checking in with me a lot to see if I am ok and just to be there. I feel so fortunate that I have people in my life who love me. I am so grateful that I had even one good day with my Bmom and that I was there with her when it really counted. I have added a poem from a wonderful person Tammy who is on an adoption list with me. She has become very dear to my heart and I thank Robin for introducing us. I hope that at some point telling my story will help someone else that is going through a rough reunion. I dedicate my story to my Aparents who are wonderful beyond words, The Reunited Triad, Robin and most of all my Bmom who has finally found peace. My tears are for you.
Hugs and tears- Deborah
Last updated: 08/25/00